HIS NEEDS HER free pdf ebook was written by Jan A. on December 23, 2003 consist of 28 page(s). The pdf file is provided by www.marriagebuilders.com and available on pdfpedia since April 24, 2012.

harley/his-her15th annivmvebdm 12/23/03 10:48 am page 1 his needs her needs harley/his-her15th annivmvebdm 12/23/03 10:48 am page 2 harley/his-her15th annivmvebdm 12/23/03 10:48 am page 3 fifteenth..(intl. pbk.) scripture quotations are taken from the holy bible, new..him to be a good father—family commitment 144 he needs her to be...

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: 2994
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: April 24, 2012
: Jan A.
Total Page(s)
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F IFTEENTH A NNIVERSARY E DITION HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Willard F. Harley, Jr. r
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© 1986, 1994, 2001 by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Published by Fleming H. Revell a division of Baker Book House Company P Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 .O. Fifth printing, October 2002 Printed in the United States of America All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Harley, Willard F. His needs, her needs : building an affair-proof marriage / Willard F. Harley, Jr.—15th anniversary ed. p. cm. ISBN 0-8007-1788-0 1. Marriage—United States. 2. Communication in marriage—United States. 3. Married people—United States—Psychology. I. Title. HQ734.H285 2001 306.81'0973—dc21 00-067324 ISBN 0-8007-5779-3 (intl. pbk.) Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. For current information about all releases from Baker Book House, visit our web site: http://www.bakerbooks.com
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To Joyce— my one and only
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C ONTENTS Preface to the 15th Anniversary Edition Introduction 15 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 9 How Affair-Proof Is Your Marriage? 17 Why Your Love Bank Never Closes 24 The First Thing She Can’t Do Without—Affection 36 The First Thing He Can’t Do Without—Sexual Fulfillment 48 She Needs Him to Talk to Her—Conversation 62 He Needs Her to Be His Playmate—Recreational Companionship 80 She Needs to Trust Him Totally—Honesty and Openness 93 He Needs a Good-looking Wife—An Attractive Spouse 108 She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably—Financial Support 121 He Needs Peace and Quiet—Domestic Support 132 She Needs Him to Be a Good Father—Family Commitment 144 He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him—Admiration 155 7
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C ONTENTS 13. How to Survive an Affair 166 14. From Incompatible to Irresistible 179 187 Appendix A: The Most Important Emotional Needs Appendix B: Emotional Needs Questionnaire 195 Appendix C: Additional Forms 208 About the Author 220 Other Books by Dr. Harley 221 8
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P REFACE TO THE 15TH A NNIVERSARY E DITION When I was nineteen, a married acquaintance in college told me his marriage was in trouble and asked for my advice. The advice I gave did not seem to help—his marriage ended in divorce. Why couldn’t I help? What was it about my friend’s marriage that made divorce seem so inevitable? It was 1960, and I was about to witness something that few ex- pected—the beginning of the end of the traditional nuclear family in America. Evidence of this disaster accumulated over the next twenty years. The divorce rate climbed from about 10 percent to over 50 per- cent, and the percentage of single adults would go from 6.5 percent to 20 percent. While the divorce rate finally stabilized at about 50 per- cent in 1980, the percentage of single adults has continued to climb right up to the present. It is currently at about 30 percent and climb- ing because fewer and fewer people are willing to commit themselves to one partner for life. At the time, I didn’t know that my friend’s marital failure was part of a trend that was about to overwhelm nuclear families. I thought that 9
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P R E FA C E TO T H E 1 5 T H A N N I V E R S A RY E D I T I O N his failure was, at least in part, due to my inexperience. I blamed myself. Thought I should not have tried to give advice. That I should have left it to an “expert.” But over the next few years, couples kept asking for my advice regard- ing marriage, especially after I earned a Ph.D. in psychology. After all, psychologists were supposed to know something about marriage. So I decided to learn enough to help these people. I didn’t think it would be much of a challenge. After all, if our scientists knew enough to send people to the moon, surely they would know how to save marriages. I read books on marital therapy, was supervised by “experts” in the field, and worked in a clinic that specialized in marital therapy and claimed to be the best in Minnesota. But I was still unable to save mar- riages. Almost everyone who came to me for help ended up like my college friend—divorced. In my effort to overcome my own personal failure, I made a crucial discovery. I wasn’t the only one failing to help couples. Almost every- one else working with me in the clinic was failing as well! My supervi- sor was failing, the director of the clinic was failing, and so were the other marriage counselors who worked with me. And then I made the most astonishing discovery of all. Most of the marital experts in America were also failing. It was very difficult to find anyone willing to admit their failure, but when I had access to actual cases, I couldn’t find any therapist who could prove their success or train others to be successful in saving marriages. In fact, I learned that marital therapy had the lowest success rate of any form of therapy. In one study, I read that less than 25 percent of those surveyed felt that marriage counseling did them any good what- soever, and a higher percentage felt that it did them more harm than good. (Incidentally, as recently as 1995, a Consumer’s Report study of psychotherapy reported that marital therapy is still rated lowest in effectiveness). What a challenge! Marriages were breaking up at an unprecedented rate, and no one knew how to stop it. So I made it my own personal ambition to find the answer, and I looked for that answer not in books and scholarly articles but among those who came to me for answers— couples about to divorce. 10
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